BOO HOO* I AM ANGRY, ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR BEING SICK AGAIN!

fug.. i am sick again. i hate it. i am angry. extremely upset with myself. i was sick on 11th feb and less than 6weeks later on 22nd march, urti found prey on me again. i kept sneezing!!!! no time to catch my breath. throat did not feel like it was mine. i am tired. these days, i can no longer get away with vitamin C's whenever i realised my throat is acting up again. i don't think i was ever so weak like now. last time, 2tabs or at most 3tabs of vitamin C's was all i needed to clear the beginning of a sore throat. urti was like far, far away from getting near me. wahah! but now! literally, i depend on antibiotics to quickly, effectively aid in clearing away the sore throat so that i won't feel miserable and start turning whiny.

momo once chanced upon an article from one health mag and it read that some people will get extremely emotional when they are unwell. they cry easily and turn emotionally upset without warning as well.. well, that is me. i am one of those "some" people. momo realised this trait in me 6yrs ago, while out having dinner in swensens at crown prince hotel, i was unwell and feeling real miserable deep down, my tears started pouring down while we were just chatting on some trivial issues. i am usually not a whiny bunny. worried that she might got stumped by my sudden breakdown, which i myself was clueless why the hell it was happening to me, i apologised to her and explain i don't know why i am suddenly weeping away like a spoilt brat for no rhyme or reason. she was cool and has an answer for me. she told me about the article she read before and said its normal for me to get really miserable and even become touchy while i am sick. humpf.. but i hate it.the feeling sucks tons when you are feeling that misery inside you... but luckily, i have my family to fuss over me. i don't need to be treated like a princess daily, but only when i am sick cos i really just can't do those things i normally do and its only when i am sick would i only do those things i normally won't.... i never like asking people to handle my things for me, i prefer doing it my own.

i remember straight after i reached melb not more than 3days, i fell sick. i had this really pain pounding headache all the time i was at a seminar. i couldn't just walk off like that. it was extremely cold outside. i paid for the seminar. momo, her sister and her sister's boyfriend, they all paid for the seminar. i couldn't just ask them to go which i really wished i could. as i endured and kept cursing for that darn thing to quickly finish and those speakers to just shut up, i got more and more miserable and i missed daddy, mummy and especially my brother who for sure will give me his utmost attention and not let me wait for everything to be over.... when i am sick, i turn into a insensitive, spoilt brat and i sure know how to spoil other's moods ok. but this is only seen and experienced by those close to me. i ignored momo cos i know she was as helpless as i am. we could only wait for everything to be over. finally, everything was over and the minute i stepped out into the cold outside, i cried. my tears just rolled down without control. I MISSED HOME, I WANT TO GO HOME, I TOLD MOMO THAT! I WANTED TO GO HOME! mind you, that was only the 2nd or 3rd day to the start of my close to a month adventure in melb last year, and there i was, ranting non-stop wanting to go home, back to the warmth of my own home. momo was so sorry she kept apologising and said that everything will be fine once we get back to the hotel and that she knows i miss home, i feel miserable n etc... but still, i miss daddy, mummy and brother... i hated the cold. it seeped deep into the deepest level of my skin without mercy, making me tremble profusly while i speak making it hard for momo to hear it, causing my headache to turn worse.

after momo' sister found out i was feeling unwell, she chided momo for not taking good care of me. momo felt more guilty after that. i understood what the sister was scolding her in bahasa. i knew that sis fivien had actually forewarn momo to take extra care of me when she first heard me sneeze in her house before we set off to Canberra. n momo went " iyah iyah"... thats me.when i fall sick, it becomes others' responsilblity.. i really just want to lie in bed all day and coop myself snugly in the blanket and sleep, not doing anything. i don't want food, at this point of time they seems yucky and i have certain cravings when i am sick. i want sweet foods only, something i usually won't catch a fancy to. i crave for strawberry milk.....! after we reached the hotel, momo tucked me in bed after successfully forced me down 2glasses of water and rolled me up in a cocoon of quilts to keep me really warm and cosy before cooking me a bowl of hot piping soup noodles so i can take my medicine. no fast food for me pls, yucks! we both had our dinner together that night and sis fivien said she did not expect me to fall sick this fast or at least not fall sick because her parents were there before me, and she was all ready for them to fall ill and apparently it seems, they could adapt to the change of weather better than me and since my immunity was weak, she wanted me to have my daily dose of vitamins there. i guessed sis fivien knew i cried... cos my eyes was glistening and voice was soft. gee.hee...but it was better for me that she was mum about it, really embarassing you know if she asked why i cried. er... i certainly felt better after having some hot soup. that bowl of noodles tasted really good down my stomach. at least i was indoor, somewhere comfy where i could lie down. i began to feel better emotionally too after listening to momo talking and talking non-stop while i ate my hot soupy noodles. she scolded me and said she hated me for keeping quiet and ignoring her, making her at a loss what to do.... kakaz... i was giggling inside. humpf.... i like her to nag, scold and get upset with me, i don't why... it seems cruel that i might seem to like upsetting her on purpose but well... maybe...becos she really looks funny when she gets worked up, thats why... after she watched me dog up that so many different pills of vitamins she prepared me on the dining table, she chased me off to bed and said goodnight.. that early night rest sure did me well. the next day, i was much alert and felt happier, at least ready for that day's activities..

i have been inactive for the past two years. mudane daily routine of myself at work almost the whole day daily without even getting myself sunbathed occasionally plus my weekly fridays dose of leisurely shopping. is this really the reason why? cos i am not working my body out, i have turned unhealthy and weak. i don't want to remain this way. i have already burned away my precious friday yesterday, doing nothing the whole day, but slept and slept in a semi-concious state and i am still not in a better state for work this morning. i got my pair of running shoes like 3weeks ago and it is still sitting there in the cupboard waiting for it to come to use.i am just not motivated enough. i worry this and that. bodyaches which is unavoidable once i start working out.. worrying about my lack of sleep. but serious! if i do not have enough sleep, i will fall sick again! thats true! AIYAH, WHEN THEN WILL I EVER GET STARTED ON MY OWN????? but firstly, i know for a start, i gotta go with someone who is disciplined, i am one to sneak off when i can hardly breathe... but then, my pals' and mine working time clashes.......... HELP!!!!!!!!!! i must not be unhealthy beansprouts no more!!!!

list of things i can get my butt up and about: go dance lah!!! shake my bons bons!
build my stamina running.....
learn rollarblading, go ice-skating~
join amore for that many classes i can have access to?
or at least get sunbathed pinicking by the seaside admiring the sky?