i have no idea since when it all started...
my maternal instincts kicks in more and more often lately, each time a little stronger.
i always look at dr ang's baby girl's pics he so often updates on facebook and ally is so cute! such a sweetie pie, i am totally melted every time!
the pics are updated like every month and she's now 7 months old. kids grow up fast!
i have been visiting baby clothes shops like Fox kids, Osh baby, esprit kids etc and thinking of dressing kaiting's baby up. coo coo....!
can't wait to meet her girl!
but i have alot of stages to go through in life before i finally come to this stage. to.be.a.mother.
从谈恋爱，结婚，才当妈咪。
but, all these while, marriage is not on my mind. can i skip the first two stages and go straight to being a proud Mommy?
i ever thought of having mine own baby, raise her up all by my own. living in our own beautiful home, she follows wherever i go, preparing her for school on her first day,(i can never forget the very first day Mum prep me for school. i love you, Mum) dolling her up, bring her out when i meet my gfs up for tea sessions and buffets and let her be surrounded by all the beautiful aunties.. hiak hiak...
but, i forsee myself to be worried when my daughter grows up and is at the stage of experiencing opposite attractions.
you know, when your daughter has been with you all her life and never had a Daddy's love? i believe much as i give her the best in the world, it can never be replaced, not the same.
i wouldn't want my girl to seek love outside.

Ash, (a friend known not long) who speaks her mind, just asked me one question right at my face one day.
i thought her guts was simply commendable...
given my close friends hardly raise this up unless i go into it.
maybe because she knows me barely well and that's why it's made easier for her to ask whatever she wants?...
"hey, why are you not dating ar?" 要求太高， 是不是？
i shook my head. 要求，一定有啦。。 就感觉吧。感觉来说，对我很重要。
"then, 为什么?" still pressing on.
"well, cos it is just not on my mind?" i said, hoping to close this topic.
"wah lau, 你每天做工，做工， 哪里有时间认识新朋友， 没有新朋友就没有看到the right one mah...."
i listened on.. seems like she is very interested to share her thoughts and amused that she was talking seriously...
"我跟你讲hor, 你不要讲不要不要， 等到你要的时候，那些嫁的嫁， 娶的娶。剩下那些比你小，不然就是比你老的，你要找你要的都难了。char bor有shelf life 的hor, 小提醒你一下。"
"等你看到你朋友她们有自己的家庭，还有baby.."
"你喜欢baby吗?" i nodded..
"你的感觉就不一样了， 你也会想要有自己的家。"
then, 你又老了， 选择又不多， 遇到了也没有很多时间拍拖，全部东西好像很赶这样。
你朋友她们如果family day，你不可能每次跟去的嘛，不会觉得out of place meh?

haha...! 你这样想会不会太悲观一点？ i asked...
here came my thoughts while she listened...
。。why must i shortchange myself should one fine day, i really decided i want a family and settle down with a guy whom i don't love just so that i can have kids? then i might as well go for 人工受孕, skip the marriage and then divorce all these hassles..
。。next, i can be god-mother to alot of my gf's kids.. spoil them, , bring them out on outings, buy them pretty gifts and dress boy, girls up like they are my own. when my gfs wanna go for dates with their husbands, i can babysit the kids.. 她们不爱死我才怪。can leave their 心肝宝贝 with someone they trust and go for dates with their hubby with a peace of mind.
。。and if i am single still in my thirties, of course i will also have friends who thinks alike me and hang out more with.. You mean like the whole world is married?
。。我也不会go for younger guys nor older man just because they are the only choices left. 老了，谁说就没资格选择？ 只是少一点。
。。plus, i definately will set a cut off age if i am not married say by 35? once i am 35 and still a bachelorette, singlehood is gonna be the path i walk on for the rest of my life.
。。once i embark on this, i will not look back.
Ash looked grave after i finished and spoke.
“你现在排斥结婚，因为你还没有遇到对的人。”trust me, once you meet the right person, everything will change, your perspective, your desires..
而且，有时东西不是你想得那么美，or go the way you vision it to be..

"i totally agree... i know that, Ash. but certain things can't be rushed. i prefer things to take it's nature course."
"how to? when you are working like mad?"
"hehe.. no worries lah." i said. "why you are more worked up than me?"
"iyo... i realised you always like to say no worries hor? i am not worked up lar, just share with you."
hahahaha...! okay okay, i appreciate it, come let's go for ice-cream.
"哇，你还吃！？" Ash quipped.
"吃！为什么不吃！？" haha....!

later that night, on my way home, i began to muse over this conversation. it was funny cos Ash took it seriously and talked so naturally like an old friend and what she said does makes sense. sometimes, you really do need words from an almost complete stranger to make you pause and ponder abit.
thanks Ash... You won't know what you said has made an impact to make me blog about it even after a few weeks. = )