moi closest fat fat auntie texted me just this Monday morning when I was on the way to work and asked how have I been lately?
I replied life's fine and asked after her.

this is her reply next and the moment I finished reading, tears welled up immediately in my eyes at the office just when I was going to start training... I quickly took a breather, braced myself up and commanded myself to hang on, or else, I will simply crumble......
阿姨：看着你的背影步伐， 伤心， 不顺利都只是一瞬间， 放下才能走得更远， 看得更辽阔。
my auntie has zero idea what has happened nor knew I started to date recently. I didn't confide in her either after what happened which I used to, when I was younger. but, just seeing me in the state that I am(which I think I look normal), she knows something has gone wrong, without me saying a word. how can I not collapse?
我已经以最快的时间回弹， 火速地进入工作状态， 表现的气质高昂，and walked with my head high, with every steps quick. 背影看起来， 怎么还会伤心？

my reply: 不知道是不是伤心。 因为我没哭。 你看到我的时候， 为什么没有叫我？ 我好久没看到你了。
阿姨：几年都没关系， 重点是我还在， 想哭就哭吧。。 该忘记的就忘了！
my reply: 哭不出。。 也许因为不伤心。 不想忘， 也忘不了。。 开心只是一瞬间。
阿姨：想哭才哭 想忘才忘
想开心才开心
身边人不影响你 你也不影响身边人
一切由你， 半点不由人。

very short reply, but it sums up everything she wants to get across me. Auntie, you know me too well. Yes, moi current state don't influence those around me, neither should they. How long the process i am gonna take, it's all up to me. No one else can help to expedite.
阿姨， 谢谢你。 好爱你。

I don't know why I am feeling so emo lately.. whatever I do, doesn't feel right. standing in shopping malls, the whole mall is revolving and I am still at one spot. don't know what to buy, where to go. l.o.s.t.
I thought I have sorted my thoughts, really.. and has already decided to settle stage by stage. can't sleep, and don't know what hunger is about again after so long. my mind is still thinking about some matters.
I think I need a change in appearance and dressing. I need a haircut.
how short do I want to go? shoulder length? or keep it long? wavy? coloring?
hafta buck up. I know what I want but it contradicts.. what's going on with me?
guess I will follow my heart for now until I know I am ready to reason out. for those who can't reach me during this time, no fret at all, cos I am good and most probably be eating moi life away, with abit of late nights, drinks, loud music and whatever.. now, I know why some people loves partying their nights away.. they are lonely, troubled and doesn't want to be bothered. so making a fool of themselves at least buys them some companionship and fun moments. don't have to take life too seriously.
needs to isolate myself for the time being and hang out with only people I am comfortable with. no mood for other stuff.. thanks.