I did question and tweet 6 days ago, asking how is this weekends going to be for me?
I was prepared to face it alone after this Thursday.
Indeed I am facing it alone today, Not because Mark is away.
Mark has about 12 more days with me, but we did not meet up today.
I need to chill off abit. I hate seeing him in this state now.
The wet day made me a slacker the entire day.
I have tons of laundry to be cleared and I washed none of it.
I went home after work last night and did not step out of my house since.
What an irony esp after last week, this week onwards, I no longer have to go to school on my sats from 2pm to 6pm, that's good news for him. To him, he feels it's half a day gone whenever I go school.
With his calibre, despite whatever he is facing now, he could have rebounce back quickly and do something better for himself. Instead, he let the emotional him and negative thoughts get the better of him and is sinking into deeper despair now. It is not helping he has 12 more days of freedom when he already knows the verdict he Doesn't Want. It's as good as knowing going to a war for sure, but how long is this war going to be..
Then I see, I am no longer needed. Keeping him company is not helping. It doesn't make him any tougher to face this and I get affected as well. Frustrated and yet he is facing things alone. All of us, his mum, sis can only give him all the support he needs, encouraging him and keeping him company.
He sees everything so harshly like there's NO more hope anymore. He doesn't see any path in front right now. This moment now to him, IS THE END. I told him, this is Not the end of the world for him. The end of the world comes only when he has no one by his side, loving him nor rendering him support. And look at all those responses and encouragement dropped from other people who believes in him via facebook.
I feel very strongly for him now for whatever he is going through, however LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING. With life, there's hope. The future is still there for you, Mark. You just have to grab it now and decide your future and how never to go through this shit period ever, for the rest of your life.
He is now going in circles, trapped in four walls, very stubborn and refuse to open the door at the side and walk out. I keep telling him "open the door and you will be led to new directions." He is still reluctant to open the door. Thus, I opened the door myself and walk out for a whiff of fresh air. I feel suffocated staying there any longer.
This has been a long time since the last time I stay home in the weekends. I feel strange though cos weekends these days means activities for me, doing something outside. I feel useless staying home doing nothing, but this was what I used to enjoy say sometime back in 2007? It's change for the BETTER definately.
Mark doesn't want to move, I can't push him nor pull so that he inch forward abit. He has to decide upon himself and get on, on his feet. This will be more feasible. We always say no one can help us, unless we help ourselves. Very true..
Much as I miss him, but the mood he is in now, I bet there is nothing much we can do either even if we meet up. He doesn't want to go out, I understand. I will just leave him alone. He can sleep and do whatever he wish.. I will also do whatever I need to.
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